| Presents |
[Dec. 23rd, 2009|02:23 pm] |
So it looks like Christmas is early for me (or maybe my Jewish roots are propping me up and I'm getting a Hanukkah gift).
I've been accepted into the University of Miami's film program. With an assistantship to boot.
I wonder what the other four places I applied to will say. |
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| One Enemy Down |
[Oct. 31st, 2009|02:11 am] |
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So, in composing my writing sample for FSU, I have finally written my first screenplay. It turned out better (and more rapidly conceived) than I thought I was capable of. This shit wasn't hard at all. Maybe I can get the other one tomorrow, bullshit my purpose statement and be done with one of the schools before November even starts. |
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| The Graduate? |
[Oct. 15th, 2009|08:43 pm] |
So, after an entire month of daily studying for the GRE, I get a fucking 1100 out of 1600.
lolwut?
I was beasting a lot of my practice tests too, often scoring in the 1200-1300 range. Shiiiiiit!
I dunno what happened, aside from my taking the goddamn computer test.
I'm wondering if I should retake i. The that the bar for what I wanna do isn't particularly high. FSU's requirement is 1000. Plus I've heard of people with 900s and shit go there and to UConn too. Also, Alicia informed me that ETS doesn't average out the GRE score. Hmmm.
That said, I think, through my putsch for the GRE, I've finally figured out what I'm after.
Dear god, I can't believe I'm saying this: I'm gonna try the film school route again.
For the past two years, I figured if I just got a job that didn't piss me off, I'd have enough load off my back to save up money, think of movie ideas, maybe write/produce a couple. The supply line never came. I tried the beat the system and it wound up beating me, HARD! I have no clue how long it'll take the Depression to subside around here and I'm no longer interested in finding out.
Henceforth, film school is probably the route which compromises my ideals the least. I can't think of anything else I'd do effectively other than law, which is interesting and I would probably do a very good job with it but, goddamnit, I just don't think I'd enjoy it enough to feel it worth donating the incredible financial, time and mental resources necessary to complete it.
Maybe this will finally be the thing which kicks my ass into writing something. I don't understand my lack of confidence when it comes to creative shit really. I know I'm a good writer; I've been given money to do this stuff. When you're telling me to do shit about stories, though, I fall apart. I really feel I just don't got it anymore and anything I do is SERIOUSLY behind the curve. Kinda funny, considering I used to be all up in this kinda shit circa a few years ago. |
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| Oh yeah. I still have one of these. |
[Sep. 27th, 2009|11:38 pm] |
So I was thinking about my LJ and I have non-grimdark news.
1) To get everyone in internetland back up to speed: Brother's cancer=CURED! He has roughly a 3% chance of it relapsing, which decreases by one each passing year, so he should be ok.
and
2) I'm taking the GRE in a few weeks. I seriously don't have much of an idea where I want to go with this (either film, law or communications currently) but I figure it's better than sitting on my ass and doing nothing, which I've tired of long ago. Seriously speaking, the debt and labor I incur with this gambit will be massive and I'm still not sure I even want to do it at all, but sometimes you have no choice but to cross the Rubicon. |
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| ITT: Grimdark |
[Jul. 14th, 2009|01:19 am] |
So my freelance job ended...far earlier than I thought. I was expecting it to go on for at least another month, but I was wrong. At least I'm getting over a thousand bucks for it...provided the Sun-Sentinel inevitably pays me; I've already had to complain. I think they'll eventually pay me though.
In other news, I have now learned that next month my brother will be flown to Indiana to have surgery to remove his cancerous tumor. The doctor's are 90% sure no major, fatal mistake will befall him during the operation. However that point is fairly moot, as the doc also gives it a 50/50 chance they'll be able to successfully remove the tumor.
Now, I've been told that doctor's tend to overplay the odds of failure, probably to prevent the chance of litigation in case they fail so the odds may not be quite so dire.
That said, I HAVE now been told that I may come out of an August an only child.
I've probably mentioned this before, but this has effects FAR greater than merely losing a brother. The grief would likely be unbearable for my dad, who 1) is the only source of income for my house and 2) who, with blood pressure problems, gout and some form of diabetes has one foot in the grave already. I have little doubt in my assumption that if John dies, my dad WILL soon follow suite.
And if THAT happens, this household is dead in the water. My mom has no connection to reality and my getting a job is just short of impossible. It will, for all intents and purposes, be the end of everything.
So let's just hope we get the good 50.
And goddamnit, I just realize that it almost perfectly coincides with the horrible shit that happened with my cats LAST year.
I am REALLY beginning to despise August. |
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| Remember when Castlevania was good? |
[Jun. 11th, 2009|10:36 am] |
I believe I'm on a Castlevania kick. There's no feeling quite like beating the original without savestates*. Now I wanna go on to Castlevania III. Should I play the harder North American version and feel manly or should I play the Japanese version and see how much pretty-prettier it is?
*Well, except for that long corridor before Death which is not only arbitrarily cheap, but also crashes occasionally. Fuck that! |
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| Ok. She's not cold-shouldering me anymore. |
[Jun. 10th, 2009|01:24 am] |
This strangely makes me feel much better.
Anyhow, after only less than a week of job hunting, Metromix got back to me with a freelance proposition of a paid project: update all the venues in their database. I can pick how long I work too.
I repeat: PAID!
Given that these will become the first semi-steady paychecks I've received in over a year and a half...
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| And so it came to a head |
[Jun. 2nd, 2009|01:50 am] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Hall & Oates - Maneater | ] |
My internship is over and I made my move.
Result? Well...
See her online on Saturday. Figure I should try asking her out then; the weather's nice. Maybe we could go to the beach or something.
Nothing.
"Ok, maybe her phone's buried somewhere. I'll try IMing her."
Nothing.
See her on later; she was uploading pics on Facebook. Alright, maybe she was just in a hurry.
Zilch.
No response. No callback. Nothing.
Some comrades have told me that I may have just picked a really bad day. But something tells me that's not the case here. It's more likely she was only interested in me as a work friend and little else and didn't shoot me down outright probably to spare my feelings or whatever, thinking she was being nice.
There are plenty of good reasons I should feel good enough about myself right now. It was very likely that I would've never seen her again even had I not struck. I had fought every latent fear and insecurity I had (and, when it comes to women, I have plenty) to properly rushdown. I know you miss every shot you don't take, so I know I won't look back and wonder if I could've won had I just worked up the balls and did it.
...yet, none of that makes me feel better, especially now that I take this fresh battle scar into what will doubtlessly be another long bout of unemployment. |
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| A Friend is now Famous |
[May. 25th, 2009|04:43 pm] |
It's always good to know when a friend has made it out of the relative mediocrity of our provincial life down here, to fame, fortune and notoriety.
That is why I salute my old grade school friend, Yancy Polk, for making the big time and being the first delinquent to successfully shoot a Coral Springs cop, as well as take a child and an old man hostage, the latter of whom he beat during the stand-off. This is not surprising, but highly amusing, given what I remember about him, especially with this mountain of other ill shit he did.. |
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| I Can't Get No... |
[Apr. 12th, 2009|01:37 am] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Flip City - Glenn Frey | ] |
When I was in high school, I was a fat fucking ball of self-loathing. As such, I felt most girls were just way out of my league and, would only be roused to any kind of action in that field on VERY rare occasion.
My high school days ended with one such situation blowing up in my face but, if nothing else, it had excellent timing. When I got to college, I vowed to never again be a victim of my own inaction. And so I came out of my shell and the bitch missions and the skirt chases began in earnest. Many of the early ones were dismal failures with blatantly obvious mistakes. I was embarrassed back then but no longer as, in retrospect, it was necessary that I make those mistakes so I could learn from them; I was making up for lost time.
And as I was gaining that vital combat experience, I also lost a shitton of weight and, starting sophomore year, started a regular workout which I have continued for nearly five years to this very day. My confidence went up by several orders.
As such, with each utter failure I incurred, I started to blame myself less and less. Although I'm hardly perfect, by my junior year I had begun to accept myself. I had gotten enough stares and smiles to realize beyond a reasonable doubt that I was at least somewhat physically attractive and I liked my personality enough to appreciate my strengths and accept the full consequences of my quirks and idiosyncracies; this has not changed even today. Furthermore, I increasingly realized that everybody else had their own mental hangups, internal drama and whatnot and, if I had felt I had done my best, I could walk away from any interpersonal trainwreck relatively unscathed. I mean, I had it together, so either we didn't mesh or the girl was plain fucked up in some intensity and/or variation. In any case, I never felt it fair to beat myself up too bad over any of it or even, in many cases, to beat her up over it either; I moved on in short order.
Which is why I'm always mystified as to why exactly I'm a 24-year-old virgin who has never done so much as even gone on a date. I can introduce myself very well but, at best, get shot down at the gates.
I mean, I know I've had opportunities to rectify at least some of this, but it was usually with women who were merely out to cheat on their boyfriends, one of which wound up to be a rather terrifyingly evil individual. I also could've faked being saved by Jesus and bagged the many fundamentalists who were inexplicably wet for me. I don't do the bar scene either, as I don't drink. In these cases, particularly the former two, my dignity always came out the winner; being able to look myself in the mirror took precedence over everything. I could not become someone I was not, never mind someone I'd probably hate myself.
Granted, there seems a pattern. A girl gets wildly attracted to me and I can sweep her off her feet...but she usually lands right back on them in short order after she talks to me for more than five minutes and often less. And then, the reasons behind that are virtually endless: maybe it's my deformed right hand, my funny voice, my tendency to curse a whole fucking lot, maybe my animated and sometimes-abrasive temperament. Maybe the girl had me pegged as something I'm not and is disappointed when she finds that out for herself; I've apparently become very adept at inadvertently fooling women into thinking I'm a christfag, a cinefag, an artfag, etc. I don't really mean to. Or perhaps I lose the vote with their bitchy friends who may view me as some uncool, out-of-touch social retard, which isn't entirely untrue.
Now, I'm not trying to make this a pity party. Although rejections are obviously disappointing, I'm comfortable in my own skin and any cumdumpster who can't be down with that can go suck on her own shit and die for all I care. I refuse, under any circumstance, to do as my brother did, turn completely cynical and settle for some parasitical and half-retarded but attractive and nonthreatening fucktoy. I've seen how settling for a cumdumpster has affected my dad, what with his high blood pressure and having one foot in the grave already from a stroke a few years ago, a stroke that can at least partially be blamed on my oh so warm-and-understanding mother. I have seen what settling for mediocrity does and can only foresee pain and suffering for my brother as bad, if not worse, than his current chemotherapy. The writing is on the wall and it's crystal clear: I am the last survivor and, hence, it is my responsibility to avoid such a dire fate. If it winds up that I die an old, lonely virgin then so be it. There are worse fates. I'll see y'all in Hell.
But occasionally I wonder if I really know what I'm doing and being 24 and still fumbling around like a retarded teenager with certain things because I've never gotten that far before and have no idea how to proceed as a result, is perhaps the one thing I still kinda feel ashamed of.
I just wonder sometimes. |
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| I've still got it |
[Mar. 15th, 2009|10:36 pm] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Life Was a Bore - Outrun 2 OST | ] |
So my parents gave me some birthday money...and I managed to blow all of it.
That said, I can at least take comfort in the fact that I spent it on shit I've been eyeing for awhile, so it wasn't spent TOO frivolously.
I racked up the DS remake of Dragon Quest IV, since I liked the original NES version and the Square Enix Tax was removed; Retro Game Challenge, as the game is just one big handjob addressed specifically to me; and, after a long and exhaustive search The World Ends With You, as I hear from many people whose views on Square Enix are similar to mine that it's not so much a Square Enix game as much as it is a Square game. Plus Square Enix execs hate it, and since their idea of a good time is a giant threesome of anal dogsex between Gacktified versions of Cloud, Zack and Sephiroth, there is little chance this will fail.
I also got to see The Watchmen while visiting a comrade on Spring Break. It's like the comic superhero version of Legend of the Galactic Heroes. It's really slow and paced like a novel, ultra-violent when it wants to be and is fucking awesome. srsly, I expected some run-of-the-mill comic book-based movie schlock, especially considering Zack Snyder did 300 (which I only liked because of the massive lulz within), but I was quite impressed with this one.
Also of note, I also went down to Miami to hang out with aforementioned comrade and I managed to make a swath of high school girls giggle. I've never been able to do that around here. Maybe I'm really more of a Miami person and don't even know it. |
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| The Nuclear Option |
[Mar. 9th, 2009|05:46 pm] |
Thanks to all the comrades who wished my brother and I well. Trust me, I really appreciate it.
So my brother is going to start chemotherapy next week, for the beginning of an 8-to-12-week process; the tumor, around the size of a baseball, has been deemed too risky for surgical removal alone.
The concept and process of chemo has freaked me out ever since I was very little, and I can't say I don't feel bad about it. But still, better bald than dead. It's temporary anyway. |
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| Brother Update |
[Feb. 25th, 2009|12:16 am] |
So the results of his biopsy were "inconclusive," yet he was scheduled for surgery (not chemotherapy). However, one of the doctors, whom my dad also meets with, told him that he was in far worse shape than Dad as of now.
My brother goes to ANOTHER doctor on Thursday for a second opinion.
All the while, we must continue to keep this information from my dad, lest it affect his iffy health and send a man with already one foot in the grave over the edge.
This is confusing and scary. |
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| Controversy |
[Feb. 24th, 2009|07:31 pm] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Sea of the Stars - Legend of the Galactic Heroes | ] |
So TK started this thread on controversial opinions because of some lame LJ group or something. I remember this post I made on FFO a few years back which was about this and got me a tempban. It was chock full of lulz. Let's see how it stands up.
( My opinions. Let me tell you them. ) |
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